


Letters to Katie Karnstein

by 2edge4u



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: F/F, Karnstein family, parent!hollstein
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-09
Updated: 2017-07-14
Packaged: 2018-04-25 13:57:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 8,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4963288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/2edge4u/pseuds/2edge4u
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Katie Karnstein is all grown up and starting her freshman year of college. Laura and Carmilla are trying to stay strong, but are both having a hard time dealing with the fact that their baby girl is leaving home. As they're saying goodbye, Laura gives Katie a collection of letters she and Carm have written over Katie's lifetime telling the story of their family's lives together. Laura and Carmilla love their daughter very much and now Katie has the chance to find out from her parents where all that love comes from.</p><p>This is kind of a follow up to another fic I'm writing called Not Without a Fight. Same characters here. Just focusing on the mother daughter relationships instead of the murders and what not.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

It’s the last night Katie Karnstein will spend at home until holiday break in December and Laura is not dealing with it very well. She’s proud of her baby girl for getting into Juilliard as a piano performance major, but the thought of her not living at home anymore is sending her into a panic. Laura and Carmilla have given so much of their lives to Katie; raising her, supporting her, and just loving her. Their home has always been filled with so much love and energy, the fact that it will soon just be Laura and Carmilla is both exciting and frightening. Laura is so happy to have the time to reconnect with her wife of twenty-two years, but Katie hasn’t even left yet and Laura feels like part of her heart is missing.

“Mom, where are my grey Toms?” Katie yells from within her closet. Laura comes into Katie’s room, smiling at the way Katie is throwing things behind her in search of her favorite shoes.

“Honey, I told you earlier today I washed them. They’re down in the basement drying.”

“Oh. Right. I don’t know what I’m going to do without you, mom.” Katie says, spinning around and sitting on the floor.

Laura walks over and sits down in front of Katie, grabbing both her hands and holding them tightly. “You’re going to be fine, Katie. You are the most talented person I’ve ever known, you’re smart as hell and you’re much stronger than you give yourself credit for,” Laura says.

“But I’m a mess,” Katie relents.

Laura takes a glance around the room before saying “I’m not going to argue with you on that one.”

They both laugh before Katie continues. “It’s just going to be hard being away from you and momma. The longest time I’ve spent away from you was that week I spent with grandpa when you and momma went on your second honeymoon when I was thirteen and I thought I was going to die from missing you so much.”

Laura looks into her daughter’s bright eyes, which are now swimming in tears. She reaches up to brush a few strands of hair behind Katie’s ear and wipe away a single tear from her cheek.

“I know it’s going to be hard. I remember how hard it was for me to leave your grandpa when I started at Silas, but look at what came of it. Things may have been a little crazy at the beginning, but I have you and momma because I was brave enough to go. If I would have chickened out my life would have been completely different and I wouldn’t trade you two for the world. I have all the faith in the world that you will succeed in everything you want to do, Katie. I know it’s scary but you’ve earned the right to try. You’ve worked way too hard to not go.”

“I already miss you,” Katie cries and falls into Laura’s arms. Laura holds her daughter tight, just like the day Katie was born. She may appear to be strong for her daughter right now, but inside she’s falling apart just as much.

“I miss you too, bug. More than you know,” Laura whispers and hugs Katie tighter.

* * *

 

“Carm, how are we going to do this? I miss Katie when I have a long day at work so how am I supposed to survive her moving out?” Laura asks her wife while waiting on the bed for her.

Carmilla is coming out of the bathroom and throws the towel to the floor after drying her hair. “It’s going to be hard, Cupcake, we both know that. Katie is all grown up now and it’s time for her to live her own life. I know you’re going to miss her every day and I will too, but she has to live her own dreams.”

“I know, it’s just that she’s still my little girl. To me she’s still Agent Katie, completing missions to steal us some cookies without you looking. I just can’t believe we’re dropping her off for her freshman year of college tomorrow.”

“And she’s still my little warrior, nothing will ever change that. Part of parenting is learning how to be strong enough to let go. She will never figure out who she is if we don’t allow her to, Laura,” Carmilla says as she joins her wife in their bed.

“I’m going to miss her so much. I’m going to need you more than ever,” Laura says and lies against Carmilla’s chest, pulling her close.

“You already had me. You always will.”

* * *

 

Today’s the big day. Laura rode in the car with Katie and Carmilla is following behind them. It took hours of driving and countless rest stops to get there, but they finally pull up in front of Katie’s dorm at Juilliard. All three of them are very determined to focus on moving all the boxes, suitcases, instruments and other things Katie felt like she couldn’t live without so they don’t fall apart just yet. Carmilla is busy putting Katie’s clothes away while Laura and Katie hang up posters and framed pictures to make the jail-cell looking dorm room feel a little more like home. Laura gets to the bottom of one of the boxes and finds that Katie brought her stuffed fish Lophii that she’s had since she was born and it takes every bit of strength Laura has to not cry.

“Well, I think that’s it,” Katie says with her hands on her hips. She looks around the room, happy with the home away from home she and her moms have created together.

Carmilla can see that Laura is starting to cry and she pulls her close, trying to help stave off the inevitable. Well, is there anything else we can do before we go, sweetheart?” Carmilla asks and hands her some money.

“I didn’t want to ask but thanks momma,” Katie says.

“Just don’t blow it all on cookies, ok?” Carmilla laughs.

“I can’t promise you anything.”

Laura simply looks at her baby girl because she’s afraid that if she says anything she will start sobbing. Katie notices and wraps Laura is the best hug Laura can ever remember receiving from her daughter. They are saying so much to each other with this embrace that little is left to be said.

“Katie, please don’t forget that you can call any time. Every day if you want to. Be brave, responsible, work hard and don’t be afraid to make new friends,” Laura says and then pulls back.

“I love you both, so much. Thank you for everything you’ve taught me. I had the most amazing childhood because you were brave enough to give it to me and I’m so proud to be your daughter. I just hope I can make you proud too,” Katie says and pulls both Laura and Carmilla into another hug.

“You already have,” Carmilla whispers and pulls back to head for the door before she falls apart. She looks to her daughter one more time and waits for Laura in the hallway.

“Katie, I have something for you,” Laura says while wiping her tears with the heel of her hand.

“You didn’t have to get me anything mom.”

“This is something momma and I have been working on for a long time. I’ve waited your whole life to give these to you.”

Laura reaches in her bag and pulls out a stack of letters addressed to Katie Karnstein. They even have stamps on them.

She hands the letters tied with a yellow ribbon to Katie before continuing. “When I found out that I was pregnant with you I was so excited to meet you that I just couldn’t wait to talk to you, so I just started writing letters instead. Momma wrote you some letters too, but they’re mostly from me. These letters are all about our lives as a family and I want you to know everything. Carmilla gave me the life I never thought I would have. She gave me this unconditional love I thought didn’t really exist. She makes me stronger. She loves me when I’m at my worst and helps me find my best self again. Most importantly she gave me you and I just want you to hear our family’s story.”

“This is incredible, mom. I can’t believe you and momma did this I can’t wait to read them. I love you so much,” Katie says and pulls her mother into another hug.

“I love you too, Katie. I better go before I decide to stay for good. Call me soon, ok?”

“I will.”

Laura turns around and walks into the hallway to fall into Carmilla’s waiting arms. They stand there for a few minutes just crying and reassuring each other that they’ll be ok. It will be difficult without Katie at home, but they’re so proud of her. It will all be ok in time.

Laura and Carm make the trip home in record time. It’s not that they’re in a hurry to get to their seemingly empty house, it’s just that they’re so exhausted and need to get some sleep before they leave for their vacation in the morning. Hopefully Katie will call soon.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laura finds out she's pregnant and decides to write her baby a letter.

Katie is now alone in her dorm room. She’s on her own for the first time in her life and she’s honestly terrified. Her roommate won’t show up until the next day so she decides to go out for some dinner. After a short walk she grabs a few slices of pizza before returning to her room to read the letters her mom gave her. Katie is already missing her parents so much, maybe this will help. She makes herself a mug of hot cocoa and settles on the floor with a few pillows and the stack of letters. She opens the first letter to find her mom’s handwriting exactly as she remembers it looking on the notes she left in her lunchbox as a kid.

 

_Dear baby,_

_I found out the greatest news today. I’m pregnant with you! Carmilla and I have been trying for a while now, going to every clinic we could and to be honest I wasn’t sure if you would ever come along. I remember just a couple weeks ago almost feeling like I should just give up, like there was something wrong with me. It just seemed like nothing would work but now I understand why all that pain was necessary. I was waiting on you. You were supposed to be my baby all along and I’m just so happy that it’s you._

_How do I even begin to tell you how much I already love you? I’ve loved you for as long as I can remember. I’ve dreamed of having child since I was younger, but it wasn’t until I met Carmilla that I really felt loved enough to share this with someone else. You’re going to love her, baby. She’s going to be the best mother to you. She acts all big and bad to everyone, but to me she’s just a big softie. You’ll see what I mean. She loves you so much already and I think you’re going to have her wrapped around your little baby finger in no time._

_Since I don’t know who you are yet, I’m just going to call you baby for now. I hope that’s ok. I have to go because I need to call my dad, your grandpa, whatever._

_Talk to you soon, baby._

_All my love,_

_Mom_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know why, but I love the idea of Laura talking to her baby like this. It makes me so happy!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laura complains about pregnancy but brags about Carmilla.

_Dear baby,_

_I’m in my second trimester now and this whole pregnancy thing is hard. I feel like I’m going to fall forward at any moment because I’m not used to this weight on the front of my body. My back and feet hurt all the time and I literally cannot stop eating cookies. I have always loved cookies but it’s seriously concerning how many cookies I consume a day at this point. It has gotten so bad that Carmilla has a standing order at the bakery. She just walks in and collects the box she’s already paid for. I feel bad because I have to ask her for so many things but oh my god has she been amazing. She’s always been caring and considerate toward me, but now that I’m pregnant it’s like she’s become a super hero wife or something. Not only does she do anything I ask of her without a complaint, but she is starting to read my mind and guess my weird cravings to make things even easier for me. She’s kind of always been a pretty lazy person, but since she found out about you it’s like she has this new motivation I’ve never seen before. I told you she’s going to be the best mother._

_We’ve decided to wait until you’re born to find out anything about you. I know in my heart that you’re already perfect so there’s no need to rush it. I really hope you like the color yellow, baby. I came home from my last day at work last week to find that Carm finished your nursery in one day. She had our friends LaF, Perry, Kirsch and Danny come over to assemble the furniture and help her paint and hang up the decorations. When I left for work that morning, the room was bare and had boring, white walls. When I got home everything was in its place and Carm couldn’t wait to show me. I hope you find someone like I found in Carm one day. She’s everything I could have ever hoped for and now I get to have you too._

_Sorry if yellow isn’t exactly your jam, baby. It has a special meaning to Carmilla and I. There was this stupid pillow I had in college that carried a lot more meaning than a pillow ever should. I’ll tell you all about it in my next letter. Since I’ll be giving these to you when you’re grown up, I’m going to tell you all about Carmilla and how we fell in love. I can’t wait to tell you this story. You’re going to love it._

_Talk to you soon, baby._

_All my love,_

_Mom_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think! Mom Laura is just the cutest thing to me help me.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laura tells the baby how she and Carmilla met and fell in love.

_Dear baby,_

_This letter is going to be a love story between two people that weren’t even supposed to meet one another. You see, I had a girlfriend through most of high school. Her name was Danny Lawrence. She was so good to me and made me so happy. We grew up in a small town so the only way we could really entertain ourselves was with the friends we had and Danny was my best friend. My dad loved her because she was strong and was the type of girl that could take care of me. When we started at Silas together, things quickly changed._

_Danny was expecting things to stay exactly the same as they were at home. There were just so many new parts of life I had yet to experience and Danny wanted my life to still revolve around her. I was growing into a different, more liberated woman and we just grew apart because Danny just stayed grounded. Things ended pretty harshly between us and we didn’t talk for a long time after that. Somehow Danny ended up dating my roommate at the time, Betty Spielsdorf. Betty moved out soon after to avoid any awkwardness so I was without a roommate._

_I was just starting to get used to the solitude when my new roommate just burst in the door as if she had been living there all semester. That new roommate was Carmilla._

_We hated each other at first. I know that will seem crazy to you when you get to know us, but we really did hate each other. She was absolutely disgusting. Every single time I tried to take a shower I would find a giant glob of her hair in the drain without fail. She left her dirty dishes everywhere (including my bed!), wore my clothes without asking, came and went at all hours, ate all my food and stole my yellow pillow every chance she got. She came into that room as if everything in it was already hers and oh my god did she piss me off._

_Weeks went by and we barely tolerated each other’s presence. She would leave her dirty dishes and underwear laying around the room and I would find the most passive aggressive ways to get her back. But then something changed. One night she got a phone call from her mother, who you will most likely never meet because she’s a terrible woman and I walked into the room to find her crying. She quickly rolled over to try and hide from me so all I did was offer her a tissue. Carmilla told me years later that moment was a huge turning point for her. It was the first time in forever that someone showed her they cared and from that point on things were different between us._

_All of a sudden, she became less revolting and I became less annoying. She would make sure to keep her mess on her side of the room (mostly) and would even bring me food or hot cocoa on occasion. I would keep the fridge stocked with foods she liked and complained a lot less. We started spending a lot more time alone together, mostly just watching movies or me doing homework while Carm read something that sounded boring._

_One night we were watching a movie on my bed like we always did. We were sitting really close together so the laptop could easily be seen by both of us. Sitting close together wasn’t a big deal at this point because were like best friends, but everything changed that night. Carmilla draped her leg over mine and turned into me with her hand touching mine. I couldn’t freaking breathe, baby. Here I am, this nineteen year old girl that had only ever had one girlfriend before; a huge nerd who at the time didn’t feel attractive in the slightest. But then there is Carmilla. You’ll see what I’m talking about, baby. I was way out of my league here. Carm is drop-dead gorgeous, all leather pants and crop tops. Even first thing in the morning, she is completely flawless and I thought I didn’t stand a chance no matter how big my crush was. After I calmed down and could breathe again, I leaned into her and felt her fingers lace with mine. We watched the rest of the movie like that and I just couldn’t believe it. I fell asleep that night dreaming of holding her hand again._

_It didn’t take very long for our feelings to develop into something much stronger and before we knew it we were spending every waking moment that we weren’t restricted to the prison walls of a lecture hall wrapped up in each other behind the door of room 307. Carmilla turned into this caring, loving girlfriend that people dream of finding. I thought all along that she found me annoying but that was all a façade. It turns out that we both had a mutual crush for a long time but were just too afraid to do anything about it. Her being rude and gross was her way of trying to be cool and act like she wasn’t a huge dork with a crush on her roommate. Every chance she had, she would do something to make me feel loved. She would leave me handwritten notes on my laptop when she left for class. She would pick me up from my classes whenever she could, just so she could have an excuse to hold my hand. She would make my favorite dinner whenever I had a rough day, even though I found out after we were married that she hates it. She just made me feel loved. We started dating officially within a month and I knew she was the one by summer break._

_Well, I have to go for now but I’ll write to you again soon. You’ll be born in a few weeks I can’t wait to finally see you. I haven’t even met you yet, but I already know you’re perfect._

_Talk to you soon, baby._

_All my love,_

_Mom_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't cry while writing this. Nope.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carmilla introduces herself to the baby.

Katie is sitting on the floor of her room, crying, completely enchanted by the story of how her parents met. It’s always been obvious to her how much they loved each other, but to hear they’re story told made it so much more real. So many of Katie’s friends didn’t have the home life Laura and Carmilla gave her. Sure there are fights and arguments between the three of them, but no one goes to bed angry. Katie has always felt safe, loved and accepted by her mothers and she now knows at least a little bit of where this strong love and strength they share comes from.

_Hey kid,_

_I just found out that Laura’s been writing you some letters and I think that’s pretty cool. I don’t really know what she’s told you about me, but I’m sure it’s all lies. I’m just kidding. Probably._

_Anyway, I thought I would introduce myself. I’m your mom, Carmilla. I think it’s best you call me momma or something like that so we don’t get confused but I’ll let you decide when it’s time. Laura and I got married four years ago and let me tell you it’s been a wild ride getting to this point. Life has thrown a lot our way but I can assure you it was all worth the risk. You’ll see for yourself one day, but Laura is the most beautiful person in the world. I remember the first time I saw her. I thought my knees were going to give out and I was going to fall on the floor. I somehow managed to play it cool and the rest is history._

_Marrying your mom was the best decision I could have ever made. She makes me feel safe. She makes me feel like I’m worth something; worthy of love. She has so much love to give. My life has been overflowing since the moment I met her and now I’m so glad that we get to share all this love with you. I will never forget the look on her face when she found out that we were having you. She looked so happy and so beautiful. We cried in that office together, holding each other like no one else in the world existed but you._

_Now, you’re supposed to be born next week and let me tell you I’m scared to death. What if I mess things up? What if I drop you? I never thought I would be able to have a kid, but Laura has given me everything I’ve ever wanted and now that includes you. Please don’t be too mad at me when I mess up, because I know I’m going to. I’m really excited to meet you._

_See you soon,_

_Momma_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it for now. I'll post a new letter every other day or so. If I get inspired, I'll post a few at a time. Please let me know what you think in the comments or send me a message on tumblr. Thanks for reading!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laura tells Katie the story of how she was born.

_Dear Katie,_

_You were born a few days ago and holy Hufflepuff did it hurt. Carm and I were at home, watching reruns of The Walking Dead when it happened. I had my legs on Carmilla’s lap because my ankles were swollen when she yelled out “Jesus Christ Laura, did you just pee on me?” I was laughing so hard it took me a minute to realize my water had broken. Once I could breathe again, I told Carm what was happening and she instantly enacted her ‘plan.’ She helped me sit up and then ran up the stairs so quickly she looked like a blur, almost like she had super-human speed or something. Before I could even get on my feet, she was back downstairs with my go-bags and car keys in her hand. She loaded everything in the car and was back to help me up within seconds._

_As we’re driving to the hospital, she called ahead to warn them we were coming and I want you to hear how cute she is._

_“Hello, is this the emergency room?” Carm asked._

_“Yes, is this an emergency?”_

_“Hell yes this is an emergency, my wife is having a baby!”_

_“Ok, what is your wife’s name and how far away are you?”_

_“Laura. My wife’s name is Laura Karnstein and we’re only like five minutes away from your front door. Get your people ready because this baby is coming fast!”_

_“How far apart are the contractions, Ms. Karnstein?”_

_“They’re really close together… oh my god OH MY GOD SHE’S SCREAMING YOU BETTER GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER OVER THERE BECAUSE WE’LL BE THERE ANY SECOND!”_

_Carmilla hangs up the phone after that in favor of holding my hand, which I was sure I broke because I was squeezing it so hard. The pain was so bad Katie, I felt like I was going to die but I just couldn’t. I had to meet you._

_We finally get to the hospital and I was sure Carm was going to drive right through the front doors of the ER. Once we stopped, she got out of the driver’s seat, slid across the hood like you see in those old police movies, opened my door and all but carried me over to the wheelchairs by the front entrance. As she’s wheeling me to the front desk she kept saying “look out, very pregnant wife coming through!”_

_After a very short triage, we’re taking back to the room where I had you. With a lot of effort by the hospital staff, they got me up on this table (which was wildly uncomfortable) and that’s where I stayed for the rest of the day. From the amount of pain I was feeling, I was sure you were going to pop out any second, but you decided eighteen hours of labor sounded like a good idea. I thought it was going to be torture at first, but then I received my epidural and I didn’t feel anything but a lot of pressure from that point up until the birth._

_Carmilla didn’t leave my side the entire time we were at the hospital. She held my hand, washed my face with a washcloth, talked about what we would name you when it was time and just dreamed about our future as a family with me. We decided on Max if you were a boy and Katie if you were a girl._

_She is honestly so good to me, Katie. I don’t know how I was so lucky to find someone like her to share my life with but here we are. I don’t think there are two people out there that share as much love between them as Carmilla and I do, but the cool thing is that we get to share it all with you now._

_When the time finally came, we were both frightened. No amount of pain medicine could have stopped what I felt as you were being born. It hurt so badly, but every second of it was worth it when the nurse brought you over to me. I will remember this vividly for the rest of my life. The doctor was screaming for me to push, I was screaming because it hurt and Carmilla was screaming because I was crushing her hand. I may have actually fractured it but she will never admit that to me._

_I finally gave one last push and there you were. I heard you cry for the first time a few moments after the doctor was working on you and I swear in that moment my life stopped. Everything I’ve ever dreamed about, everything I’ve ever wanted is now all about you, Katie. It’s like a switch flipped inside me and I became whole. You gave me something I didn’t even know I was missing. I was crying because I was so relieved that you were ok and Carmilla just kept kissing my forehead and hugging me tight. I honestly didn’t know how my life could get any more perfect._

_When the nurse brought you over to me I felt like I couldn’t breathe you were so beautiful. You look just like Carmilla. You have her eyes, her nose, her ears, her hands and most importantly her smile. You don’t have very much hair yet, but I can already tell it’s going to be as dark as Carm’s if not darker. When you opened your eyes for the first time, you actually smiled at us. It’s like you already knew who we were and loved us as much as we love you. We stayed like that for a long time, taking turns holding you, smiling and kissing your head softly. I have never felt as calm and content as I did in that moment, and I have you to thank for that._

_The next few days were a whirlwind. I was dealing with a few health complications from the birth so I ended up sleeping a lot. Every time I would wake up, I would see Carm holding you, singing to you softly, kissing your head and showing you the world outside that window. I knew she was going to be the best mother, but seeing her with you is beyond amazing. I feel like I’ve fallen in love with her all over again._

_Once you and I finally felt well enough to go home, we were able to get out of there and it’s probably a good thing because Carm was going to punch a nurse pretty soon if we didn’t. She kept saying to me “these lack wits don’t know how to take care of you and Katie. Incompetent.” I thought they were just fine, but you’ll soon find out how protective Carm can be. It’s one of her most endearing qualities actually._

_Right now, I’m sitting at the table in our back yard while you and Carm are on a blanket in the grass. She’s laying on her side, just smiling at the way you’re taking in everything around you. I can’t believe I have such a beautiful family. How did I get so lucky, Katie?_

_Talk to you soon._

_All my love,_

_Mom_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so mom Carmilla is pretty much the cutest thing ever, right?
> 
> As always let me know what you think! :)


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carmilla says hello to Katie and confesses some fears she's having.

_Hey Katie,_

_You’re a few weeks old now and let me just tell you that this parenting crap is really hard. I don’t remember the last time I slept for more than two hours at a time, every shirt I’ve ever loved is soiled with your vomit and I’m still terrified every time I hold you. I’m so afraid that I’m holding you wrong and that I might hurt you or something. You are the most precious thing I’ve ever laid my eyes on and the thought of me possibly hurting you one day is enough to send me into a panic. Laura has been having a really hard time since you were born. She had some medical complications during the birth that have made her very weak and she seems to be so sad all the time. The only thing that can bring her out of it is you. I don’t want you to feel bad, but I used to be enough to pull her out of anything and I can’t seem to do it anymore. I don’t know what to do sometimes and I’m not sure how I could talk to her about it. I guess I’m just afraid of what she’s going to say._

_With all that being said, you have brought us more joy than I could ever imagine. I always thought babies would smell terrible. With all the throwing up and pooping, how could a baby possibly smell good? Somehow you smell just like lavender all the time and it is the most intoxicating thing I’ve ever experienced. I can’t stop kissing your stupid little soft baby head. It’s addicting and I can’t stop. I think it’s kind of weird but every time Laura catches me doing it she looks at me like she fell in love with me all over again and I swear my heart grows two sizes bigger every time._

_I can already tell you’re going to change everything; maybe even the world. Your smile could make even the most evil person in the world melt and feel like only good things are ahead of them. Oh my god, your laugh is the greatest thing I’ve ever heard in my life. The other night Laura was laying on the bed with you and making funny faces while I was in the kitchen cooking us some dinner. Hearing both of you laughing filled my heart with so much love, the only response I could come up with was breaking down into tears._

_For as long as I can remember, Laura has been my best friend. I’ve been hurt so much in my life that I learned to close off my heart to protect it. Then one day I met your mom and it didn’t take very long for her to break through the walls I built and fill every empty space inside my heart. Laura has given me so much over the years I didn’t know how I could possibly make room for anyone else. But then you came along and my heart is overflowing, exploding with the intense love I feel for the both of you. Now I have two best friends and I wouldn’t have it any other way._

_I hope that you can help me figure out how to help Laura. I feel like I’ve been doing everything wrong and while that may be taking a toll on me, I’m much more worried about how to help her. I just have to believe that if you and I keep loving her no matter what she may be feeling that everything will be ok. I just need her to be ok._

_Anyway, the last few weeks with you have been exhausting and exhilarating. I love you more than I ever thought I could and I can’t wait to see the strong woman I know you’re going to become._

_Talk to you later,_

_Momma_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about making you feel things. I'm really upset about tonight's episode of Walking Dead and I think my emotional state bled into this letter. Stick with me and we'll get back to the fluff in no time! Thanks for reading, yo!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laura has an epiphany.

_Katie,_

_You turned six months old today. I’m sitting at the dinner table writing this while Carm is running around cleaning up the mess left from your birthday party. It wasn’t so much a birthday party as it was an excuse to get our friends together and brag about how cute you are. Also, there was cake involved so I can’t really complain. I gave you a little taste of the cake frosting and the look in your eyes reminds me of the happiness I feel when Carm gets me those cookies from the bakery the next town over. I have a feeling you’ve inherited my sweet tooth and you’re welcome for that._

_For as long as I’ve known Carm she has been nothing but lazy and apathetic when it comes to everything but loving me, but everything is different now. It started before you were even born but she takes care of both of us in a way that is entirely unlike the woman I knew in college. She cleans without me even asking, let alone yelling at her ten times before she finally rolls out of bed with a groan. She’s been cooking dinner every night and she hates cooking as far as I know. She’s even started watching the food network to get new recipe ideas to surprise me with something she thinks I’ll like. Don’t tell her I told you this because she’ll deny it eternally. She’s really upset that she has to go back to work soon because she’s afraid that I’ll need her. That may be true, but I can’t ask her to stay here 24 hours a day for the rest of our lives. Life must go on and so must I._

_We talked last night and she finally told me what’s been going on with her. She’s been acting as if she needs to walk on eggshells around me and it completely broke my heart to find out why. Giving birth to you was incredible, but things didn’t go exactly as planned. I had a lot of unexpected bleeding and needed surgery to fix things. Carm was so frightened and I guess she had the right to be because the doctors weren’t telling her much at the time because they were more concerned about saving me. She had to stay in that room all alone for a few hours, waiting to find out if I was going to be ok. I can’t imagine how she must have felt because if the situation was reversed the thought of ever losing her would have been enough to kill me._

_Since your birth I’ve been in this complete fog. My doctor tells me it’s postpartum depression and that it’s completely normal or whatever. There are some days I can’t make out of bed at all so Carm waits on me hand and foot, feeding me, brushing my hair, washing my skin when I can’t do it myself, and sometimes just holding me when I can’t stop crying. I honestly don’t know what’s wrong with me because I have no reason to be sad. I have the best wife and daughter I could ever imagine and yet I feel this gut-wrenching sadness most of the time. Carm told me last night that she’s been so worried and feels like it’s her fault that I’m this way. She feels useless since she can’t pull me out of whatever funk I’ve gotten myself into. I swear my heart broke into a million pieces when the tears finally broke free and rolled down her beautiful face because I did that._

_She is anything but useless. We held each other, crying not saying anything for a while. I didn’t know what I could have possibly said that would have been enough of an apology for what I’ve put her through. None of this is her fault and I whispered that to her in between kisses until I made her believe me. She has been nothing but selfless, taking care my every need when I couldn’t be bothered to think about what she needs. Last night was eye-opening because I realized that while I’ll still be dealing with all this emotional stuff for a while, I have to be present as a wife and mother as well. Carm needs me and you do too._

_I’m sorry for not being there in every moment like you deserve, but I promise that I’m going to work really hard every day to get better for you and for Carmilla. My love for you two is the only thing that could ever pull me back from this hell I’ve been living in and I can’t thank you enough for coming into our lives. Things may be hard right now, but your beautiful smile is enough for me to look forward to all the happy times ahead._

_Love you madly,_

_Mom_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry again for the feels but I promise that the next chapter is what you didn't even know you're waiting for. Don't be afraid to stop by my tumblr or leave a comment here to let me know what you think. Love you for reading. :)


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Laura and Carm's anniversary!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, sorry about not updating this for like 84 years. I didn't forget about it I just got busy with life and other fics. Oops

_Hey Katie,_

_Today was the best day I remember having in a while. Things have gotten a lot better the last few weeks. I’m feeling much better lately and Carm is still as perfect as ever. Today is actually our five year wedding anniversary and I’ve been treated like a princess all day, starting with my favorite french toast served to me in bed. When we finally got out of bed, we took you to the park for the first time. You were so cute the way you were looking at everything, giggling at butterflies and just so entranced by everything. Seeing you really take in the outside world for the first time was such a beautiful moment for me. I’ll never forget it. People kept coming up to us and complimenting us on how cute you are. It was so sweet really, but Carm was so protective it was adorable._

_Later tonight Carm is taking me out on a date and she won’t tell me what she has planned, but knowing her it’s going to be incredible just like our wedding day. Katie, it was honestly the best day of my life besides the day I had you. It was the kind of wedding every little girl dreams of. Carmilla looked so beautiful standing at the end of the aisle waiting for me. I made a bet with her the night before that she would be the first to cry and I won. She cried like a little baby as soon as the doors opened and your grandpa started walking me down the aisle._

_My favorite part of the day was the reception though. Just celebrating with everyone I love that Carmilla was finally my wife was one of the memories that I’ll hold onto forever. Hopefully we’ll still have the video that our friend Kirsch made that night and I’ll show you one day. Everyone was so sweet when they made their little dedications, I cry every time we watch it. This will probably be gross to you, but Carm just could not keep her hands off me. I mean, she never really did but that night it was like she was attached to me and to be honest I loved it. We probably kissed five-hundred times, forgetting that everyone else was there and just got lost in each other._

_Our first dance as a married couple was beyond perfect. Carmilla picked the most amazing song and it took everything I had to not cry again that day. When she was holding me close on that dance floor, swaying back in forth and singing the words of “You Go to My Head” by Dianna Krall softly in my ear it was like we were the only two people left on earth. I knew in that moment more than ever that she would be the only person I would be with for the rest of my life. I just love her so much, Katie. Everyone in that ballroom that night knew it too. When she pulled me into a kiss every time the refrain of the song came up, all our friends and family cheered. I looked over to your grandpa and he was a blubbering mess. You’ll know soon enough that he doesn’t cry often, so to see him like that told me everything I needed to know._

_I’m so excited about tonight I’m a nervous wreck. I’ve been with Carm for a long time and we’ve been married for a while now, but every day feels brand new with her. I’ve said this before, but I hope you find someone like her one day to spend your life with. I want you to have what I have found. You deserve everything in the world and since Carm has given me that I know just how great it’s going to be for you._

_I want to talk more, but I have to go get ready. Wish me luck!_

 

_Love always,_

_Mom_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and I'd love to hear from you. I hope this was the right amount of cute to make you smile. Y'all are one of the best parts of my life. Honest.
> 
> Love always,  
> Monica


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A very proud day in the Karnstein household.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I'm still here my dudes and I'm trying to resurrect my writing motivation so bear with me. Here's a little something for those of you who continue to support my creative endeavors whether it's writing or music. I love y'all so much and thank you for sticking with me.

_Dear Katie,_

_I’m sorry if this letter seems frantic but today was the best day ever omg!! I’ve already called your grandpa and all my friends to tell them the good news because I just can’t contain my excitement and neither can Carm. I’ve been trying for weeks to get you to do it, but you would just fall on your little butt and usually giggle like we’re playing a game. Sometimes you’d cry and if I couldn’t get to you fast enough, Carm would dash in and scoop you up, soothing you with kisses to your forehead and my heart would just melt at the scene in front of me._

_But today was different. Today is the first day of the rest of your life and your mom and I could not be more proud of you. I’m so glad she was here with me. It was amazing but to be honest, it wouldn’t have been the same without her here. You and I were on the living room floor. I had music playing and your tiny hands were holding onto mine while you danced. Well, your version of dancing is just bouncing on your little legs while giggling and not only is it adorable, but I’m pretty sure you’re a better dancer than me. Anyway, Carm came home from work and walked in the living room, following the sounds of Sara Bareilles on the stereo and you giggling. Then it happened._

_She said your name and you squealed, turning ever so awkwardly and you just took a step, then another, and stumbled one foot over the other until you ran right into Carmilla’s arms. She picked you up and looked over at me. The look on her face was priceless, Katie. I’ll never forget it. Through the tears in my eyes I could see the love and pride she felt for you written all over her face and I felt the same way. When I could gather my thoughts, I got up and we just stood in the middle of that room hugging and kissing. It was better than any moment I could ever remember. All the pain I’ve been though in the last few months isn’t as overbearing. I can get through anything because I have you and I have Carm._

_I’m so beyond proud of you, Katie. Today was only the first of many great things you’ll accomplish in your life and I just feel so lucky to be your mom. I’m so honored to be able to witness you grow into the beautiful young woman I know you’ll become. I love you, Katie. Carm and I both do. I hope that by the time you read these letters, you’ll know that deep in your heart. Yes, there may be times that we fight and get mad at one another while you’re growing up but always remember that my love for you will never waver but will only grow._

_Mommy’s proud of you, little bug. Talk to you soon._

_Love always,_

_Mommy_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope y'all are still enjoying this au even with me taking like a billion years to update anything. So sorry about that btw. I'm trying to get better about that. Thanks again for everything. :)
> 
> Love always,  
> Monica


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carmilla writes a letter to Katie after a long, busy time of raising a toddler.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, everyone. I didn't even realize it's been more than seven months since my last update and tbh my bad. Life really has not been good for me and I've also been working an average of 60 hours a week so if you've been waiting for an update on any of my fics I'm really really sorry. Still not ready to get back on tumblr really so if you liked this update or want an update for any of my other stuff, please leave me a comment. Hearing from you would really mean a lot to me.

_Hey Katie,_

_So, you had your birthday yesterday and since neither of us have written to you in a while I figured it was about time. I’m sorry we haven’t written as much lately, it’s just that you’re such a handful it’s hard to find the time. I don’t mean that in a bad way at all; it’s just that Laura and I are always so tired. Even with the teething, waking up at all times of the night, chasing you around every part of the house, cleaning up spilled juice every day, wiping snot and drool off of every surface imaginable and everything else, I wouldn’t change my life for the world, kiddo. If I only got one hour of sleep every day for the rest of my life, I would choose you without a second thought._

_I used to think my life with your mom was so perfect. I had finally found someone that not only loves me unconditionally even though I’m a huge pain in her butt, but yet she finds the strength to love me even more than she loves herself. I’ve never felt like I deserve her love and compassion but she has been so persistent that I’m starting to believe that I just might be worthy of the love she’s given me. But then you came along and my world has been turned upside down in the most beautiful way. It’s like you unlocked a part of my heart I didn’t know existed and I think you did the same for your mom too. I’ve never been one to really worry about much, just kind of went with the flow of things. I worry about literally everything now. Just to leave the house I feel like I’m on the verge of panic just making sure we packed enough in the diaper bag. It’s stupid, really, but it’s because I never knew I could love this much or this hard. You have brought so much to our lives, this is as close to perfect I think it could ever get._

_Now that you’ve turned two, I really don’t want you to grow up any more. Isn’t that dumb? To want you to stay my little baby forever? I can’t help it, Katie. Just thinking back on all the tummy time when you would just giggle at the faces I was making, all the baths I gave you, the times you fell asleep on my chest and I got to just hold you for hours; I just don’t want that to end. I honestly just want to hold onto you forever. But I know that soon enough you’ll be off to college or your first job and we’ll have to let you go. I’m so afraid of that day, but I want you to have all the good things this world can offer. I didn’t exactly have the best time as a kid and it took your mom loving me to put me back together, but all I want is to give you the best life I possibly can. I wish I could be home more and I know Laura does too, but my job is what’s going to provide for your future and I just want what’s best for you. All the hours I spend at the office are spent working hard for you, Katie. I just want to give you the world._

_Anyway, I know I’m being entirely too sappy and it grosses me out. Sorry about that. Just know that we love you more than I ever thought possible and although it hurts, I can’t wait to see the strong woman I know you’re going to become. With Laura as your mom, how could you not? Love you, Katie. So very much._

_Talk to you soon,_

_Momma_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You're all beautiful and I love you. Thank you for reading.
> 
> Love always,   
> Monica


End file.
